i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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