The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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