my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
