what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
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I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize