I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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