god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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