There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
please come you make the beer taste better
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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