she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
