I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
