He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
