Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
