I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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