My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
