Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
