I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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