can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
