I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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