i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
