peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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