I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.