plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!