Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
