someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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