we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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