why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
