Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I will pee on everything he values.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
