I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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