I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
