I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
