hell yes lets make some ravioli
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
