it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
