you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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