Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We don't watch enough power rangers
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
