Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
