I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
