After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
