i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
They took my balls.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
