Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
