Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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