I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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