Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
