If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
