your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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