Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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