Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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