Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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