yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
