started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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