I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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