He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
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He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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