I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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