Duck Duck Cougar?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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