If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
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If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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