in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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