Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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