OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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